There are some great movies that speak of leadership and leadership qualities we all idealize: strength, confidence, making tough decisions, vision, values driven, objective, inclusive, energetic, trusting to name a few. We want so much from our leaders that we are often disappointed. We set the leadership bar quite high and when actions don’t meet expectations, we feel it, sense it and emote it.
Leaders feel the pressure to maintain a strong, “have it all together” facade for credibility with employees and customers. Doing so prevents leadership awareness about unhealthy behavioral patterns and the underlying factors driving them. Here, leaders stuff down their insecurities, fears and anxieties.
What about you and your leadership patterns? When you look into a mirror, what do you see, whom do you see? Do you see a leader without failings, without regret? Do you even have the guts and self-awareness to see a true picture? How many of you have felt disappointment in your leadership? I’ll be the first to raise my hand, in fact, both hands!
In taking on our leadership roles we have the greatest of intentions. Yet, along the way, we can get sidetracked by some of the following clues:
Low self-esteem. Leaders who experience low self-esteem typically view their sense of worth coming from what others think and feel about them. As a result, they resist “the tough stuff” and their leadership role, delegating and holding themselves and others accountable.
Avoiding conflict. Self-esteem is essential for leaders to assert their thoughts, feelings and needs while welcoming others to do the same. For such leaders, conflict is a normal part of relationships. In contrast, leaders who avoid conflict at all costs, result in emotionally dishonest relationships with their team and peers. The end result is status quo thinking, compromised decision making and a false sense of team work.
People-pleasing and inability to say “no.” It’s normal for a leader to want to help peers and team members because they care about them. However, a leader who wants to be liked because their sense of self depends on it becomes too accommodating. The focus is about feeling good and seeking protection from painful realities and consequences. The thought of being rejected or abandoned by others is terrifying to one’s sense of self.
Caretaking. “Caring about” others is healthy leadership. “Caring for” is not. Engaging in leadership caretaking is about doing for the employees what they can do for themselves. Here, leaders feel responsible to take care of their problems and save them from pain. Some signs to watch out for: putting employee needs before business needs, preventing employees from growing into empowering contributors.
High need for power and control. Healthy leadership means having choices and the ability to influence one’s environment and others toward a common goal. When that need for control and power goes into over-drive it usually centers around feeling secure and safe and a sense of power over things they cannot control. I win, you lose behaviors, blaming others and stifling others ideas are telltale signs.
Boundary issues. Boundaries are critical in healthy relationships. They are like imaginary lines between you and others. Leaders with healthy boundaries know where responsibility and ownership end and begin for a problem, goal or outcome. Without “external” boundaries, a leader’s identity becomes enmeshed with others. Without “internal” boundaries, a leader will experience a lack of self-care.
Reactivity. As a consequence of poor leadership boundaries one will react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings and take responsibility for others’ emotions, yet don’t take responsibility for your own. If a peer, employee or customer says something that is upsetting, then it can be taken as a personal attack. Many times the leader goes into victim mode.
I know I have exhibited elements of these behaviors. I have worked with others to have too. While many have exhibited the above behaviors to some extent, it is important to recognize these patterns and work with an accountability partner outside the company, such as a trusted adviser, executive coach or consultant. By addressing these leadership challenges, you’ll change your level of energy, your focus and resolve, which helps create a more healthy you and organizational culture.
What symptoms do you identify with? Which are prevalent within your organization? What is leadership costing your company?
Thank you for taking the time to read this. How would you begin to break through your thoughts, emotions and actions to becoming a more self-aware leader? We would love to hear from you with comments or questions. Send me a note via email at brad@aperiocoaching.net or on Twitter @bparcells.
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