Few leaders get to the top of their organizations and for those that
do, the journey can be a very isolating experience. When it comes to
some of their biggest decisions and challenges, the ones that go with
their leadership roles, they have very few with whom they can talk and
think things through. The more success a leader has, the more isolating
they become. At the same time leaders are also being challenged to lead
in new ways that they have probably not encountered before. Leaders are
at the top because others believe only they know what needs to be done.
So, as you gain success and become more isolated what do you do if
you are one of those leaders who want to get better at their leadership
effectiveness? Were you do turn to be vulnerable about your weaknesses?
To whom can you honestly and authentically admit that you do not have
all the answers and need help? To grow, you must intentionally engage
personal development on your own.
When leaders come to me who believe something is missing, I tell them
they possess everything they need to be a better leader; they are just
not using all of it. Maybe 60 - 80% of their potential, but not 100%.
That's why they need a new leadership model to close that gap. Are you
aware of your gap?
One of the concepts I use with leaders to become the best version of
themselves focuses on four leadership dimensions: Physical, Emotional,
Intellectual and Spiritual and how leaders are using these dimensions in
all their situations and conversations. These all define how we are
showing up and interacting with our life and our world and the resulting
outcomes. This tool really helps the leader become much more aware of
themselves in any and all situations, conversations and
relationships. It really breaks up the Autopilot of racing through our
day, our interactions and situations and pausing to look deeper at
ourselves.
This article is going to only focus on a few elements of the Emotional dimension.
In the course of any given day, as I listen to leaders, I am highly
aware of the variety of emotions that fill their rooms: Fear, Anger,
Gladness, Sorrow, Guilt and Shame. What I know about emotions is that
they play a key role on how we behave, how we react, how we are showing
up as leaders. Emotions give us a way that helps explain things for
us. How's that?
Here is a simple formula: EVENT + EMOTION = EXPLANATION. Every one of
us makes meaning in this way. This is basic DNA on how we view and
interact with life. What's important to our effectiveness as leaders is
do are emotions have the best of us (reactive) or do we have the best of
our emotions (creative)?
As for me, in a variety of past leadership roles I can honestly say
that I was reacting to all situations. I was trying to stay above the
water line in an angry sea. I reacted and responded quickly without much
thought ~ just trying to survive with my head trash, constantly pissed
off, wanting to punch the next sea wall that came my way. And it would
not let up. Gulping down seawater while riding wave after wave. I wanted
desperately to make the right choices, but not understanding my
emotions blinded my clarity. As such, my reactions were negative and
unproductive. And they were harming everyone involved.
I was on edge and it was dark, cold and wet. Each time I was
triggered, I behaved the same way and got the same results. Looking back
I can tell you I was responding by being on Autopilot. Not having to
think, just an automatic response. Autopilot blinded my clarity. We
have all been on Autopilot. The numbness of making decisions as life
comes at you. It is like being on a hamster wheel that brings us the
same outcomes as before.
Sure Autopilot can bring on successful results, until it doesn’t.
Then what….. well for me I got focused and chose to get off Autopilot to
better understand how to control my emotions instead of them
controlling me. I started to define, feel and recognize (to be more
aware) of my emotions, the triggers that set them off and being
accountable and owning them ~ I found this as my only path to
understanding my emotions and consciously choosing different responses
that led to healthier outcomes.
One of the many things I do in my line of profession is to work with
leaders in helping them see and understand for themselves that they must
get off autopilot for things to really change. Nothing changes until
the autopilot is turned off and that’s when real and transformational
change happens.
Emotions are not good or bad. They are neutral but what is good or
bad is whether or not they are in charge or if we are in charge. What I
have learned about myself and working with leaders is our emotions
impact what we are thinking and our thoughts lead to our actions that
result in our outcomes. The key is to be always conscious and curious of
emotions that are driving you. When we run on Autopilot that is often
to our detriment, especially the more extreme the situation and the
intensity of the emotion. The more we are on autopilot during an intense
emotion we are more vulnerable to behaviors that are controlling and
managing us as opposed to recognizing our emotions and adjusting our
behaviors accordingly and more productively.
Here is a quick primer on Emotions. There are a lot of words in our
vocabulary to describe emotions; maybe 170 - 180 adjectives we use to
describe our feelings and these adjectives can be broken down into 5
main emotions. Those five are broken down into 4 primary and 1 secondary
emotion: Glad, Mad, Sad, Scared and Shame. The distinction being that
our primary emotions are hard wired into us from birth. Emotions are
really our first language we communicate with without using language. No
one had to teach us any of these 4 emotions and that is why they are
primary.
As we age, we continue to get certain messages about our emotions. We
are either told to suppress or express our emotions. We are emotional
beings and when we try to suppress or completely negate our emotions
they will eventually show up in our behavior at the wrong time and place
and we lose our ability to identify what is making us tick, what is
setting us off, what we are thinking, why we are behaving the way we
are?
Each of the primary emotions can be defined as the relationship
between me and what I want. A lot of times we are vague in defining what
we want. Sometimes we don’t even feel entitled to what we want. As
defined then……………………..
GLAD is an emotion that expresses “I have what I want”. I am GLAD that I have…
MAD is an emotion that expresses “There is a barrier between me and what I want.”
SAD is an emotion that expresses “What I want has been taken away from me.”
SCARED is an emotion that expresses “What I want could be taken away from me.”
Notice by the way that each of those takes place in a different reference of time.
GLAD and MAD are generally experienced when something is happening in
the moment. I have what I want or there is a barrier right now to what I
want. It is very present. SAD has to do with the past. It has happened
in the past. SCARED or afraid is about the future. Being SCARED or
afraid is an emotion of the head. Our intellect creates scenarios that
cause us to feel scared, fearful or anxious. We are imagining what can
happen. We make stuff up even if we do not have good reasons to do so.
It is about the future and it is all in our head emotionally.
The 5th emotion is SHAME. SHAME is the single secondary emotion
because it is not hard wired into us and it generally comes from our
exterior world. SHAME comes as a result of a painful experience,
something we did or we were shamed by someone else, such as a teacher, a
coach or other authority figure and in some cases our qualifier that we
are not enough, that we do not measure up, not adequate enough, not
worthy.
SHAME can be linked with GUILT, but they are different. The best way
to define SHAME and differentiate it from GUILT is: SHAME is: “I am
Wrong.” SHAME is within me………… while GUILT is “I have done something
wrong.”
You may not have SHAME but at least a third to half of the leaders I
work with experience this emotion on a frequent basis on some
degree. SHAME shows up when you feel embarrassed, lack self-confidence, I
am not good enough; I don’t have what it takes. It is a notion of
imperfection not adequate enough. This is how SHAME shows up.
Let’s conclude by asking what are the emotions are you feeling as you
read this? Are you feeling or ignoring your emotions? Is there
someone/something else outside of this article that is also impacts your
emotions? What do you want to do with that? Are you letting your
emotions show? Is this helpful? What emotions might others detect in me?
It is my hope you got one or two nuggets from this article so you
have a little more clarity on emotions and how to modify and ultimately
transform your behaviors for better outcomes and greater leadership
effectiveness. We would love to hear from you with comments or
questions. Send me a note via email at brad@aperiocoaching.net or on Twitter @bparcells.
In Latin, Aperio means to reveal, uncover, to make
clear. Coaching is a powerful process of coaching leaders through
personal transformation that enables the leader to reveal and illuminate
their authentic leadership style.
In 2010, IBM interviewed over 1,500 CEO's worldwide to learn what
their top challenges were and their strategies for addressing them (Capitalising on Complexity: Insights from the Global CEO).
Two challenges emerged at the top of the list: 1) escalating
complexity, and 2) building the creative capacity in leadership to deal
with it. These same two themes remain in IBM's 2012 and 2014 studies as
well. Complexity will only continue to escalate, as well as the
leadership challenge to deal with it.
Let's bring this closer to home. It is no surprise then, that the
environments in which we work and live are becoming increasingly more
complex. We are experiencing the mix of mounting challenges, multiple
polarities and problems and complex situations with hidden points of
leverage.
Within organizations these complexities require leaders to decide when
and how they need to evolve and transform themselves to meet these
challenges head on. It requires different ways of thinking, acting and
being ~ a higher level of consciousness. Failure to adapt and evolve
results in the ways of the Dinosaurs. Einstein said, "The solutions to
our current problems can't be solved from the level of consciousness
that created them." They can only be solved with a higher order of
leadership consciousness, one that is more elaborate than the complexity
we face.
The VUCA model identifies the internal and external conditions affecting organization's and their leaders today. VUCA stands for Volatility, Uncertainty, Complexity and Ambiguity. Briefly.....
Volatility ~ the nature, speed, volume, and
magnitude of change that is not in a predictable pattern. Think of
turbulence with increasing intensity and persisting for longer periods
than in the past.
Uncertainty ~ the lack of predictability in
issues and events. These volatile times make it difficult for leaders
to use past issues and events as predictors of future outcomes, making
forecasting extremely difficult and challenging.
Complexity ~ there are often
numerous and difficult to understand causes and mitigating factors (both
inside and outside the organization) involved in a problem. This layer
of complexity, added to the turbulence of change and the absence of past
predictors, adds to the difficulty of decision making. It also leads to
confusion, which can cause ambiguity.
Ambiguity ~ the lack of clarity about the
meaning of an event or the causes which leads to an increasing challenge
of accurately conceptualizing threats and opportunities. It can be the
‘who, what, where, how, and why’ behind the things that are happening
that are unclear and hard to ascertain.
Clearly VUCA puts the effectiveness of leadership at a premium. How are
leaders individually and collectively evolving to meet these challenges?
Does the organizational culture match and reward this premium?
Within the executive and senior leadership team ranks there is much
dialogue around the level of leaders individual and collective
development, that must, at a minimum, keep pace with the rate of change
and increasing complexity. Not to keep pace is to become less effective
and relevant. Let me again ask, "how are you and your leaders evolving
to meet these challenges? What are your organizational and leadership
development strategies and tactics in developing more agile and
conscious leaders? How are you fostering a culture that rewards
behaviors and retains agile leaders in a VUCA environment?
Mastering leadership is not easily developed. In fact, it is uncommon and rare. Why is that? Here are three possible reasons:
- Bookstores, social media, conferences and workshops are full of the
latest secrets to leadership success. Much of it reduces the development
of leaders to a set of quick-fix skills and steps. We're busy people
and we are accustomed to getting things right away. We'll use those new
skills and steps for a couple of weeks, but we'll always revert back to
our old behaviors, thoughts and actions. There is no sustainable growth
or development.
- Developing leadership effectiveness often gets sidelined because we
resist the vulnerability of learning and changing. Additionally, we
carefully guard our credibility and want to be seen as a highly capable
and strong leader. To be viewed as effective others turn to and expect
us to get things done and we do. Mostly, we respond automatically
reacting to people and situations. So what's wrong with that? It is a
leadership blind spot we call Too Much Autopilot! Autopilot
helps leaders get things done. It is about doing things the way we've
always done them and getting the same outcomes. However, autopilot and
growth don't go together. If we want new outcomes we have to disengage
the Autopilot. It takes courage to face the truth about ourselves.
- Most of the development of leadership effectiveness is driven towards
skill and competency development. That's good and needed, but growing as
a leader is more than dressing the part or raising your EQ or getting
smarter at a leadership competency like delegation, time management,
communications. Leadership growth encompasses all of these and more. It
requires transformation. To be the best version of yourself, you need to
understand that the development of your leadership effectiveness into
mastery is a profound process and requires a restructuring and
transforming of oneself into a higher form. Then you will begin to
understand why it is not for the faint of heart. Why it is rare and
uncommon and a journey with no shortcuts.
The VUCA inherent in today’s business world is the “new normal”, and it
is profoundly changing not only how organizations do business, but how
leaders lead. The skills and abilities leaders once needed to help their
organizations thrive are no longer sufficient. Today, much more is
required of our leaders.
Executive and leadership coaches and other talent management
professionals can help leaders succeed in today’s VUCA environment by
providing a confidential and partnering relationship that helps the
leader understand "autopilot", turn it off and see the possibilities of
change. It is this new awareness and consciousness and the partnering
relationship that takes leaders through personal transformation. The
commitment to develop effective leadership as a strategic priority, in
this VUCA world, must be made because of its dramatic impact on leaders
and organizational performance. What is your destiny? Are you ready,
willing and able?
I hope this article has been helpful. What are your thoughts? How would
you begin to break through and begin shifting your focus and behaviors
in achieving new and different outcomes? We would love to hear from you
with comments or questions. Send me a note via email at brad@aperiocoaching.net or on Twitter @bparcells.
In Latin, Aperio means to reveal, uncover, to make
clear. Coaching is a powerful process of coaching leaders through
personal transformation that enables the leader to reveal and illuminate
their authentic leadership style.
Confidence is an important attribute in any situation, especially
when leading yourself and leading others. Confidence can be understated
as a natural expression of ability, expertise and self-regard. Humility
is a word that comes to mind. It can also be bold and at times brash
and cocky ~ to the point of being over confident. We all have a choice
on how we want to exhibit our strengths, our confidence. The important
thing is how and why we are making those choices.
For example, how aware and conscious are you when you make your
choices? Are you on automatic pilot? How committed are you to your
choices? How are those choices impacting how you show up in all
situations and conversations and how others see you? What are your
results? For instance, one can choose to under utilize confidence by
being more compliant and protecting or overused in the form of
controlling.
It is critical for a leader to fully understand how and why they do
the things they do. To be consciously aware to turn off the
autopilot. As a leadership and executive coach, I find in myself and
those I work with that our key strengths can also be our greatest
weakness. I am also fortunate to know a number of truly confident
people, who have turned off the autopilot and really developed their
ability to mindfully use new behaviors that lead to new outcomes. It
comes as no surprise they all share a number of qualities and these 8
are what I have observed.
1. They take a stand not because they think they are always right… but because they are not afraid to be wrong.
Cocky and conceited people tend to take a position and then proclaim,
bluster, and totally disregard differing opinions or points of view.
They know they’re right – and they want (actually they need)
you to know it too (see controlling). Their behavior isn’t a sign of
confidence, though; it’s the hallmark of an intellectual bully.
Truly confident people don’t mind being proven wrong. They feel finding out what is right is a lot more important than being right.
And when they’re wrong, they’re secure enough to back down graciously.
Truly confident people often admit they’re wrong or don’t have all the
answers; intellectual bullies never do.
2. They freely ask for help.
The more success you have moving up and through the leadership ladder
can be an increasingly isolating experience. Where then do you turn for
help? Who can you be vulnerable with about your weaknesses? To whom can
you admit that you do not possess all the answers? Many people feel
asking for help is a sign of weakness; implicit in the request is a lack
of knowledge, skill, or experience.
I have found well developed and confident leaders are
secure enough to admit a weakness and seek others for help. Not only
because they are secure enough to admit they need help but also because
they know that when they seek help they pay the person they ask a huge
compliment. Saying, “Can you help me?” shows tremendous respect for that
individual’s expertise and judgment. Otherwise you wouldn't ask.
3. They listen way more than they speak.
Bragging is a mask for insecurity. Truly confident people are quiet
and unassuming. They already know what they think; they want to know
what you think.
So they ask open-ended questions that give other people the freedom
to be thoughtful and introspective: They ask what you do, how you do it,
what you like about it, what you learned from it… and what they should
do if they find themselves in a similar situation.
Truly confident people realize they know a lot, but they wish they
knew more… and they know the only way to learn more is to listen more
and develop as a leader.
4. They shine the spotlight on others.
Maybe they did most of the work. And maybe they turned a bunch of
individuals into a high performance team. Here’s the difference, truly
confident people don’t need the glory; they know what they’ve achieved.
They don’t need the validation of others, because true validation comes
from within.
So they stand back and celebrate their accomplishments through
others. They stand back and let others shine – a confidence boost that
helps those people become truly confident, too.
5. They don't put down other people.
Generally speaking, the people who like to gossip, who like to speak
badly of others, do so because they hope by comparison to make
themselves look better.
The only comparison a truly confident person makes is to the person
she was yesterday – and to the person she hopes to someday become.
6. They own their mistakes.
Insecurity tends to breed artificiality; confidence breeds sincerity and honesty.
That’s why truly confident people admit their mistakes. They dine out
on their screw-ups. They don’t mind serving as a cautionary tale. They
don’t mind being a source of a learning lesson for others and for
themselves.
7. They think, “Why not me?”
Many people feel they have to wait to be promoted, to be discovered, to be selected, to be chosen.
Truly confident people know that access is almost universal. They can
connect with almost anyone through social media. (Everyone you know
knows someone you should know.) They know they can create their own
products, build their own relationships and networks, choose their own
path – they can choose to follow whatever course they wish. And very
quietly, without calling attention to themselves, they go out and do it.
8. They constantly work on their personal development.
They understand that to make leadership growth last they need to
remain curious and be patient. They realize that over time to find
substantive growth that leads to substantive change in them they must be
highly curious. This is hard for leaders because everyone looks to them
for answers. Confident leaders are very curious about themselves.
They also realize that change does not happen overnight. Real change
takes time and patience. They have a mantra that says, “I am not going
to change overnight, but I can begin to change overnight.”
As a leader, maybe you share all of these qualities of confident
leaders or maybe a few. If it is the later are you asking yourself “how
can I develop more of these qualities and how do I start?” Will Rogers
said it best when he said, “Even if you are on the right track, you’ll
get run over if you just sit there.” If you want to grow and be more
confident, you must change. Change involves the unknown. The unknown is
risky. Real personal growth is risky, but the rewards are profound.
I hope this article has been helpful. What are your thoughts on this
topic? How would you begin to break through and begin shifting your
focus on becoming a more self aware and confident leader? We would love
to hear from you with comments or questions. Send me a note via email at
brad@aperiocoaching.net or on Twitter @bparcells.
In Latin, Aperio means to reveal, uncover, to make
clear. Coaching is a powerful process of coaching leaders through
personal transformation that enables the leader to reveal and illuminate
their authentic leadership style.
As a leadership coach, we
work with clients who want to make real changes in their professional
and personal lives. In order for that partnership to flourish, the coach
must have a high degree of self-awareness and the leader must be
willing to take a serious and sometimes difficult review of their
self-awareness before the deeper work begins.
Self-awareness is one of the least discussed leadership competencies
and might be one of the most valuable. Self-awareness is about knowing
your strengths and areas where you are not strong and honestly admitting
where the learning gaps are and what needs to be developed. This
includes admitting when you don't know the answer. That can be counter
intuitive and a scary proposition for leaders operating in highly
competitive environments. Many of us operate on the belief that we must
appear to know everything or else others will question our abilities. We
hide our deficiencies and are taught at an early age to not expose our
vulnerabilities. This leads to diminishing our effectiveness as leaders
and only compounds our fears, guilt and shame. That's not a prescription
for courage and to daring greatly.
Here’s a little secret, whether you acknowledge your weaknesses or
not, everyone still sees them. The leader who tries to hide weaknesses
actually exposes them, creating the perception of a lack of integrity
and authenticity. Clearly, not where a leader wants to be. Why, because
it diminishes trust and leads to disengagement. No organization can
thrive in the absence of creativity, innovation and learning and the
greatest threat to all three of these is disengagement. So rather than
conceal them, get some feedback or better yet find a coach to help you
with this process. Clearly, organizations benefit more from leaders who
take responsibility for what they don't know than from leaders who
pretend to know it all.
Acknowledging the need to become better at anything is only the
beginning, and it's often the most difficult step. Understanding how to
change into something that works for you is what makes the path to
self-awareness so challenging. It will be very important to solicit
honest feedback about your performance from others and here are three
ideas:
- You can get it through 360 assessments where peers, superiors and reports provide feedback on all aspects of your behavior.
- You can also take time in your day to reflect on your interactions
and events with others by asking yourself three questions: what went
right? What did not go well? What will I do differently the next time?
- Or you can take it a step further and do regular post consults with
others by asking effective questions and then listening without
justifying or defending your actions. You will need a high degree of
emotional intelligence (EI) to do this well. EI is defined as awareness
of your own and others' emotions, and how they are impacted by
situations. EI is a skill that can be cultivated in everyone.
Let’s examine this last option a little deeper. The skill of asking
effective questions can be invaluable to you and your
organization. However, when the question is about your own performance
it can be harder to be objective about negative feedback. When you show
that you are equally open to all types of feedback, you demonstrate
self-awareness and the willingness to learn. Asking questions is a
transparent approach to problem solving and decision-making and helps
lead to a more self-aware organization. An organization that is
self-aware is open to learning and better equipped to anticipate and/or
to adjust quickly to changes in the marketplace. These are solid reasons
why leaders at all levels should include self-awareness in their
development goals.
As you are receiving feedback it's extremely important that you
listen without judgment and not defend your actions. By effectively
listening on what is said and what is not being said, accepting the
feedback without defending yourself, you are more likely to hear what
you really need to hear and increase your credibility and authenticity
with the person giving the feedback.
On an interpersonal level, self-awareness of your strengths and
weaknesses can enhance trusting relationships and increase your
credibility and improve your emotional intelligence -- both of which
will increase your leadership effectiveness. On an organizational level,
the benefits are greater. When you acknowledge what you have yet to
learn, you're modeling in your organization that it's okay to admit you
don't have all the answers, to make mistakes and most importantly, to
ask for help. These are all characteristics of an organization that is
constantly learning and learning from vulnerability and further
facilitates more innovation, engagement and agility.
To begin to increase your self-awareness, seek feedback on your
performance from others by asking good questions and listening without
justifying or defending your actions. Remember, organizations benefit
far more from leaders who take responsibility for what they don't know
than from leaders who pretend to know it all.
What are your thoughts on this topic? How would you begin to break
through your filters to begin shifting your focus on becoming a self
aware leader? We would love to hear from you with comments or questions.
Send me a note via email at brad@aperiocoaching.net or on Twitter @bparcells.
In Latin, Aperio means to reveal, uncover, to make
clear. Coaching is a powerful process that enables the client to reveal
and illuminate their authentic leadership style via a sharp focus on who
they are at the core.
