What does confidence mean to you?  How are you exhibiting your confidence? What are others reactions?  Through my filters, I see confidence as not bravado or some bold or brash air of self-belief directed at others.  I look at confidence as a natural expression of expertise, self-regard and ability.

 I’m fortunate to know a number of truly confident men and woman. It comes as no surprise they all share a number of qualities.  By no means is this the end all list.  Let's explore what I've seen they have and what is worthy.

 1. They take a stand not because they think they are always right… but because they are not afraid to be wrong.

 Cocky and conceited people tend to take a position and then proclaim, bluster, and totally disregard differing opinions or points of view. They know they’re right – and they want (actually they need) you to know it too (see Narcissism). Their behavior isn’t a sign of confidence, though; it’s the hallmark of an intellectual bully.  Intellectual bullies never admit they are wrong or don't have the answers, ever!

 Truly confident people don’t mind being proven wrong. They feel finding out what is right is a lot more important than being right. And when they’re wrong, they’re secure enough to admit it and take responsibility. 

 2. They listen more than they speak.

 Truly confident people are quiet and unassuming. They already know what they think; they want to know what you think. So they ask great questions that give other people the freedom to be thoughtful and introspective.  Further, they listen with great intent and purpose.  To find out more, you have to ask questions and listen more often than opening your mouth.

3. They duck the spotlight so it shines on others.

 Perhaps it’s true they did the bulk of the work. Perhaps they really did overcome the major obstacles. Perhaps it’s true they turned a collection of diverse individuals into an incredibly high performance team. Truly confident people don’t care – at least they don’t show it. Truly confident people don’t need the glory; they know what they’ve achieved. They don’t need the validation of others, because true validation comes from within.

 So they stand back and celebrate their accomplishments through others. They let others shine – a confidence boost that helps those people become truly confident, too.


4. They freely ask for help.

 Many people feel asking for help is a sign of weakness; possibly exposing a lack of knowledge, skill, or experience.  Confident people are secure enough to admit a weakness. So they often ask others for help, not only because they are secure enough to admit they need help but also because they know that when they seek help they pay the person they ask a huge compliment.

 5. They don't put down other people.

 Generally speaking, the people who like to gossip, who like to speak badly of others, do so because they hope by comparison to make themselves look better.The only comparison a truly confident person makes is to the person she was yesterday – and to the person she hopes to someday become.

 6. They own their mistakes.

 Insecurity tends to breed artificiality; confidence breeds sincerity and honesty. That’s why truly confident people admit their mistakes. When you’re truly confident, you don’t mind occasionally “looking bad.” You realize that that when you’re genuine and unpretentious, people don’t laugh at you. They laugh with you.

 7. They only seek approval from the people who really matter.

 Very confident people look to earn the trust and respect of the few people in their life that truly matter. When we earn their trust and respect, no matter where we go or what we try, we do it with true confidence – because we know the people who truly matter the most are truly behind us.

What are your thoughts on confidence and leadership?  We would love to hear from you with comments or questions.  Send me a note via email at brad@aperiocoaching.net or on Twitter @bparcells.